I’m Being Stalked by a Moonshadow

Only one girl is perfect for Seth Parrot. Her name is Miranda. She’s got fantastic green eyes and really good muscles and a jealous ex-boyfriend who throws people into rivers. As for Miranda’s father, he makes the ex-boyfriend look like a saint.

But Seth is determined to make Miranda his girlfriend. He’d also like to save his parents’ marriage and write a brilliant play. Seth is going to need some very good advice. He finds it in a magazine called Dolly.

This is a novel based on my own life. When I was in my late teens, Mum and Dad built the family house out of mud bricks then covered the bricks in cow poo, as a kind of plaster. This is how they make houses in the deserts of Oman. But we were in Park Road, Eltham, Victoria, and I don’t think the neighbours were entirely happy. It’s a very ecological way to make a house, however, and it ended up looking good. But at the time I thought Mum and Dad were mad – especially as they actually paid a dairy for the poo. I didn’t talk about it when trying to make friends. ‘Come to my house, we have cow poo on the walls,’ is a lousy opening line.

I’m Being Stalked by a Moonshadow begins with the building of this house. It actually happened, but no one believes it. I’ve invented a town called Kinglet, but it’s loosely based on Eltham. I stole the book’s plot from Shakespeare. It’s Romeo and Juliet, only without a whole lot of dying at the end. And Shakespeare himself died in 1616 so he probably won’t sue me. Originally, this book was to have a different title and cover, but Bob Sessions, the publishing director at Penguin, didn’t like it and made us change it. Here is the original title and cover:

Seth loves everything about his girlfriend Miranda, but he’s particularly in love with her arms. The artist who eventually did the Australian cover art came up with this image of Miranda.

I suggested that since Seth admires Miranda’s arms so much, it might be a clever idea to actually give her a pair, rather than have them cut off at the shoulders. The designer (not my usual designer Karen Trump) got a bit sniffy about that, but you’ll note that the final version of Miranda does indeed have arms. I think the eyes are better too, though I also had to beg for those weird eyelashes to be removed. (It’s the only one of my book covers I’m not crazy about, though some people do like it.)

My favourite character in the book is Zoran, a young accountant recently arrived from Serbia. Zoran is unable to find accountancy work in Australia and resorts to being a gardener for the local council. Zoran listens to Seth’s problems and gives advice. It isn’t always good advice. But then, Zoran isn’t always being serious.

As I filled Zoran in on the Miranda situation, he picked up snails from the garden and dropped them in a bucket.
‘We have an expression in Serbia,’ said Zoran. ‘You are in deep cacka.’
‘We have a similar expression here,’ I said.
‘Is she beautiful, this girl?’
‘She is the most beautiful creature in the whole world,’ I said.
‘And her father is horrible ugly bald man?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then maybe this girl will grow up to be horrible ugly bald woman?’ said Zoran. ‘Look on bright side. Maybe you better without her?’
‘You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I’m in love.’
‘I do understand,’ said Zoran. ‘It was same for me with Mrs Zoran when I first meet her. But the feeling goes away after few hours.’
‘Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?’ I asked.
‘You cannot take these flowers,’ said Zoran. ‘They belong to the government.’
‘You’re beginning to like them, aren’t you?’ I said.
‘I hate these flowers,’ said Zoran. ‘They torment me with their ugly colours and their sickly smells. I hate them all.’
‘What are you going to do with the snails?’ I asked.
‘Eat them.’
‘Really?’
‘Of course not, stupid boy. This is Australia. I don’t have to eat snails. I can eat Australian food like pizza. Only in Serbia do people have to eat snails. If they can’t find snails, they eat wood.’
‘So what are you really going to do with the snails?’
‘Kill them.’
‘Do you have to?’ I asked.
‘You want eat them?’
‘No.’
‘You want give them to your girlfriend as present?’
‘No.’
‘Then I kill them. You see? At least you should be glad you are not snail.’

In the book there is a dark thin girl called Poppy. She falls in love with Seth, the main character. Unfortunately, Seth doesn’t love her back, because he is obsessed with the green-eyed Miranda. I feel sorry for Poppy. She writes the sort of poems that I was writing when I was her age. They’re terrible. Here is a selection of Poppy’s work, taken from the original manuscript.

Death
Once I climbed a building high,
Lots of people I did spy,
In the streets and in the roads,
Carrying quite heavy loads,
All of them looked sad to me,
Really sad as they could be,
Going through the streets and lanes,
Wearing clothes that looked rather plain,
‘Come to me!’ I told them all,
‘Join me on my building tall!’
But they didn’t hear my cry,
They just went home to die.

Grandpa
Grandpa, though your gone away,
Still we think of you today,
With your walking stick and hat,
You were nice and not at all fat,
People liked the stories you told,
And the way you would hardly ever scold,
You will live inside our hearts,
And you were fairly good at darts,
Do they play darts in heaven, I cry?
Will your darts hit someone in the eye?
I hope not because that would be bad
And probably make someone mad.

War
People really should not fight,
Fighting simply isn’t right,
See how violent people are!
Watch that man explode a car!
Someone’s burning down those huts!
It really really drives me nuts!
I would rather live in peace
With my dog, who I sometimes call Denise.

I’m Being Stalked by a Moonshadow also features a local newspaper that usually gets things wrong. Here is the theatre critic’s review of Seth’s play:

NIGHT OF FEAR is a darkly comic play that Kinglet residents will be talking about for many days to come. It’s writer, local 14-year-old writer Seth Partot, clearly has a bright future ahead of him. The story involves a typical family receiving a visit from a mysterious stranger who turns out to be Death, although people should not see the play knowing this as it spoils a clever twist. Local 13-year-old actors Jack Patrot and India German acquit themselves well in the role of the mother and father. 21-year-old local baker Tyrone Schilling is excellent in the title role and clearly has a bright future ahead of him. Though one must also single out talented local performers Poopy Racina, Nangret Braine and Lukas Luxmoore for particular praise in their roles. All are 13, except for Lukas who is 9 and Nangret who is 12. According to program notes provided by director William Stretton, the play is a comedic representation of the confusing and ultimately alienating world in which we live today and this reviewer agrees holeheartedly. Mr Stretton is 137 and clearly has a bright future ahead of him. The next play preformed by The Kinglet Players will be Romeo and Julie by William Shakespeare (dead).

This is me conquering America in 1991. I’m Being Stalked by a Moonshadow was eventually published there. (Very lame excuse to use an old flattering photo.)

The American edition was a nice hardback with a new cover:

The Ted Hipple Special Collection of Autographed Young Adult Books at The University of South Florida has over 1500 autographed books and was established by Dr Joan Kaywell. Here’s Joan holding up a copy of one the more recent additions to the collection.